At what point when you become a mother, do you actually feel like a mother? I knew the minute that I laid eyes on Trenton that he was mine. He felt like mine. But the mommy feeling is really something that happens little by little over time. Things happen to you that you would never do for someone else's child. Like the first time you get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. When they are sick and throw up all over you. When you choose not to get something for yourself so that you can buy something for your child, and you are happy to do it. When they recognize you for the first time. When they call you Mama for the first time. Bathtime. Bedtime stories. For me personally...bear hugs, when Trenton just wants to kiss me for no reason, when I am able to teach him new things, when he calls for me after having a bad dream.
Last night Trenton woke up at 4:30am crying. It was definitely one of those cries that is fear induced. It wasn't because he woke up too early. It wasn't a fit. It was fear. The kind I can't ignore. So despite all rationale and good sense, I went upstairs and got him with the intention of bringing him to bed with us. I am sure we looked like chimpanzees. I didn't even have to hold him, he was hanging on so tightly. After laying down with him while he hung on for dear life, barely breathing under the weight of a 34 lb. toddler, and telling him it was going to be ok, I once again, felt like a mother.
Thank you God for the gift of motherhood! You have given me such joy!
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